天使在人间

听雨，要下雨，要恰好有心情，还要有时间。不慌不忙，有一杯暖茶，有丝丝缕缕的音乐随着茶香环绕。音乐的音量不能太大，窗外的雨声就变成了深深浅浅的和声。

 

不同的时间，不同的地方听不一样的雨声，会让人产生不同的联想和感慨。

 

大雨滂沱，立于窗内，心中生出的是做一只海燕搏击风浪的雄心，或是洗去心中前尘旧事的干脆。

 

和风细雨，立于窗内。小楼风雨，最容易思绪悠长。微雨扣窗，也慢慢的叩开了回忆的门。密密斜斜的雨幕便如荧幕映出一幕幕的往事。会心微笑，抑或奈何叹息。

 

下雨似乎不难，但是难得的是心情。不知道什么时候起，静下心来听雨也变得不太容易。细细想来，奔波忙碌的生活，浮躁和不安始终让人难得再有片刻的宁静。日复一日，逐渐地习惯了忽视生活中的细致和温柔。习惯了麻木。

 

所以，当有一天，我忽然为窗外的雨声所牵引而陷入片刻的回忆和深思，我深深的欣慰，我心中那些敏感而纤细的角落还没有枯萎。我还是我。

不知不觉春节了，又一年了。还是自己，还是不能回家。我都记不得自己最后一次在家过年是什么样子了！早知道的话，一定拼命记住，也好留下来现在好好回忆！

 

网上电话和家里人聊了一通，看家里好生热闹。本来不觉得自己一个人有什么大不了的，忽然之间有些受不了。不过，家里好，是我最大的心愿。就像我睡觉前需要想踏实的事情一样，只有这样我才能心里轻松些，才能睡好些。无论如何，许个愿，明年能回家过年！

 

借了卡夫卡的小说，看了些，觉得小说写得很好，可是太郁闷！就像《大话西游》，我第一次看就觉得沉重过于搞笑。卡夫卡给我相似的感觉。

 

万事开头难，我又开始准备写文章了。今天定下了题目。开始好好的构思。我猜我的白头发就是为这些东西生的。

 

一个美国朋友春节前去了北京，据说还要去参加春节联欢晚会！真是faint! 我好羡慕啊！不过我向他表达了我心中的不忿之后，他居然说可以给我买一份西安日报给我回来！当然，会过期一阵子。不过我很满足了。其实我最希望人家带的是........。 还是不说了，说了也白说，明摆着非分之想，不可能实现的。梦里想想罢了.....

 

 

 

 

 

 

早上梳头，忽然之间看到头顶的一根白头发！我的天啊！我记得妈妈可是到了40岁才有的白头发啊！我应该还早啊！想想也许自己的生活压力真得挺大的，只是自己不觉得罢了。现在看来要重视了！怎么样才能举重若轻呢？偶要好好想想这个问题！

 

马上就要春节了，本来和朋友约好那天去滑雪，没想到今天收到email，改期了！ 无奈。幸好，到时候还有学生会的晚会，可以见到很多平常没时间见的朋友。还不错！

 

今天的另外一件大事是和老板开了个会。老板还真不容易，手下一堆人，每个人做的东西他都能说出个123，不简单。我有时候想，我希望将来也许也做老板，有自己的实验室。但是，现在我只是顾着自己的一亩三分地，就已经焦头烂额了，要修炼到老板那样的三头六臂，恐怕是“路漫漫，其修远矣”。

 

今天一直在下雪，风雪交加，密如瀑布一样的。正是恐怖啊！不知道为什么，雪下得这么大，还是不能去滑雪。郁闷！

 

 

<Love you like love my life>  Xiaobo WANG, Yinghe LI

Published at May 2004

 

I visited his tomb today. His life keep silent like the huge stone with his name engraved.

    Xiaobo had been away for seven years already. Leaves changed green and burn to yellow seven times. We saw flowers abloom and emarcid seven times. My life fleets away by the time leave and flowers changes. But his flower is never bloom again. It is faded forever.

    When I read the love letters he wrote for me, I just feel in the moment, life is such a merciless thing. We’ve been separated by the different world. If life is so fragile and so short, why God still make it exist? If all the flowers means to dye no matter how beautiful it is, if all the love will forget with wind, why God still make them all exist?

    No one could give me the answer.

    Maybe there is no answer for it.

 

A disconsolate sole is such a lonesome sole!

Dear Yinhe,

    Got your letter today.

    I think I know you now. You have a perfect sole, like a shining great sign. Compare to yours, my spirit seems a bit dark

 

Let me reply your question now. You already know that I love you in a way a bit selfish. Really, everybody will hope to own it when they could have a bright pear, isn't it? So do I. I know how nice your love is and I know it is precious in nowadays. How could I willing to lose it?

 

    However, I have a top life principle. It is actually one of my secretes. I never tell anybody else. That is, human-beings are never easy to know whom he or she really is. It is probably because all the feelings and senses are for the world outside the body. For example, we could see other people, but not ourself. We could have the very delicate sense for other person. But we are much blunt in feeling ourself. We could control our thing, but we could not control the source where these thinking came from. Many people could produce very beautiful novels and musics. However, they do not know what are the direct reasons made them generate their works. Humble or great, as a human-being, we always have trouble to understand the very deep and complicate "self". The "self" keeping silent in most people. These people so keep silent too and repeat the life day after day. But in some other people, the "self" is always "boiling" and bring these people endless tribulation. So maybe you could tell me, what else could make blind Hamilton not stop writing poems except this boiling self? You see, there are many people even promised to their boiling self.  Undershaft said he made up his mind even when he was poor. That is, nothing could stop him unless a bullet! But, what happened when he finally got rich? He became very silent too.      

    

    For me, I'd rather it never silent, no matter what suffer it could bring to me. We all alive and for the sake of the future. I would rather my self never stop boiling until the last second. I will not want to become silent and never want to feel that very thing get quiet. I understand, life or death is one's own business. Nobody could save other's soul. If only everybody could have the forever active soul! I really hope my soul is a spring as you said that will never dry( Of course it is impossible!).  I hope my "self" could always have it's sounds, always boiling,like a drop of suger on the surface of the flaming charcoal.

    I really do not want that one day I feel I have enough wisdom, enough for need, enough to judge right or wrong.

 

    You know, I truly hope that everyone has enough wisdom. You may also understand that I believe one's soul could only been saved by oneself. So I will never try to occupy other people's soul. I just hope our souls could communicate, like a twice bigger community. Do you how lonesome a discosolate sole could be? Do you know how many weakness a human-being could have?(Maybe this is the weakness make us tear). You will know how big the help and how much the warm your soul could offer to other people!  Please, could you open the door of your soul and let me in?

 

    Based on all these philosophy, I very much hope you are absolutely free. I hope your spirit could fly higher. Of course, if you felt love in somebody else in the future, it will prove how dark my soul is, isn't it?  Beside jealous, isn't it also tells the truth that I am over? If all these happened, how could you still ask me to be cheer and joyful?  Nobody could still sing happy in the end of his happiness. So, I really think you asked too much in this point. However, based on the rational think I have now, I suggest you better leave me in the time.  If I did change mind in the time, it might because I become bad person. Then just leave me without hesitate.

 

    I have only one request, if I am still myself in the time, please don't exclude me away. Still be my friend and even softer. Don't mean to hurt me.

 

    I don't like sorts of peaceful but boring "life time". Don't like being together without passion and just by bold faces. Even thinking of marriage, I really don't like to think about it. I don't want those things for normal life. And also sort of the "love" or "not love enough" etc. They are all no big deal for me. I just hope you being nice to me. We do not suspect each other, neither praises each other. Live life as it is. You talk with me like talk to yourself. I talk with you like talk with myself. Don't you like it? Tell me, do you like to be with me?

 

 

Xiaobo

又是周末，而且是个长周末。觉得终于可以松一口气，至少可以好好睡两天。昨天，前天一直都没有休息好。现在就觉得像缺水的菜叶儿一样，半死不活。头疼......

 

读完了《爱你就相爱生命》，忍不住羡慕。

 

什么是爱情，一百个人又一百个不同的说法。至少，有一点是一致的，只有当你爱我和我爱你同时发生，一样的热烈的时候，爱才会是踏实的，才会是灵犀相通的，才会是忘我的。

 

头疼，去睡吧。虽然有点太早。

 

Today is the first day I start my blog!

今天是我第一次开始建设自己的网络空间。

哈，好像还没啥好写的。

 

今天算是平常的一天。在上下班公共汽车上的时候读一本王小波的书《理想国与哲人王》，还没有读完，但是觉得非常喜欢。

“智慧本身就是好的。有一天我们都会死去，追求智慧的道路还会有人在走着。“

”死掉以后的事情我看不到，但在我活着的时候，想到这件事，心里就很高兴！“

王小波（1952-1997）

 

我想，感动我的是作家的真性情，当然还有他的思辨和智慧。

这么有个性的作家，可惜去得太早。

 

去网上找了他和他的妻子李银河的书信集《爱你就相爱生命》，只有节选。真希望有一天能够看到这本书。

 

今天开始练习钢琴，贝多芬的《欢乐颂》。但是，只会弹右手，加上和音就困难了。寿星老师Magerate要去墨西哥2个半月，说好在她回来后要弹给她听的。还得好好练啊！